An Instrospective Sophisticate's Lunar Soliloquy

by Chaplow

Even before the dawn of recorded human civilization, man has looked up at the sky and thought about absolutely nothing. Then the moon would come out and the prehistoric honeys would sigh dreamily, and you know our forefathers took notice. Sure cave-women looked less like Betty Rubble and more like the smell of a mammoth's butt in hairy ape form, but men back then liked that. And that made the stone gears in their head start turning.

That's probably not 110% how it happened, but my point is that mankind has always had some kind of fascination with the moon. Throughout history, it is common to find cultures that thought of the moon as having a personality, as being a goddess or something of the sort. I don't know as I dont dawdle amongst savages.

DID YOU KNOW however, that recent studies show that we identify so much with the moon because of its human face?

Look at the moon closely, remembering that the moon always looks the same because the same side is always facing the Earth:



I don't care what you say, this has never looked like cheese.



NEVA EVA

Dont see what the experts are buzzing about? It's okay... you might have to be a lunatic to see it without proper training (heh heh or maybe a lunatak).

Just kidding, that would be totally gross.

Look at this photograph of the Moon as seen from Earth:

You see it? Take a closer look:

Here, you can take a closelier look.
Move your eyes quickly from the moon on the left to the one on the right:

Pretty sneaky, sis.

Our first instinct is to believe that someone or something snakily placed a humanoid face on our moon. That is silly though, how or when would that have even occurred?

It's a pretty eery mystery but it doesn't even end there!

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

Here, squint your eyes and lean your head just slightly to your left.


Not that left, ◄ That Left.

 Yeah you see it.
Here's the enhanced image just to verify what you've feared all along.

BRRR.

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This week I'd like to thank the moon and the folks at wikipedia.
Check out this pretty awesome image of theirs showing the size and distance of the Moon and Earth to scale.

Time to Blasterbate

by Chaplow

When I was a kid I had an NES and I never heard of this game. Why didn't anyone tell me about it?!

The title screen is beautifully geared to induce epileptic seizures.

 I. THE STORY

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Apparently it was originally released in japan as  

"Supa Chô Wakusei Senki Metafight (超惑星戦記メタファイト"
(okay i added the "Supa") and it didn't do too well. (source: Wikipedia)

For the American release, it was named MASTER BLASTER and a stupid backstory was added about a boy who follows his pet frog through a hole a la Alice in Wonderland and ends up in a subterranean world next to what I will call the Blaster Tank ...that he is the MASTER of.

Brilliant.

 Needless to say, the game was a success in the U.S.

With no knowledge of the politics in this world,
the boy gets in the tank and rides off to kill thousands.

 II. GAMEPLAY

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That gray robot is a bad guy.
Well, I don't personally know him but he tried to kill me.

 The game starts out as a pretty typical 2D platformer of the day, you roll around pressing left or right on the crosspad, A jumps and B is to shoot. Even if this is all there was to the game, it would be a solid 8-bit platforming experience on the Nintendo Entertainment System.

Aside from your special missiles and lightning attack,
you can shoot left, right and up. pew pew pew

But then, when you hit that select button something cool happens:

You can get out of your tank?!
WTF is this, Grand Theft Auto? What year is this?! fffffsjajksd

This adds a nice dynamic to the game. Your tank can dish out and take more damage, while on foot you can fit into tight spaces your tank can't go into. As soon as I saw this, I knew I had just entered Narnia the game had just been taken to a new level that not all NES games could rise up to.

 III. ANIMATION

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I was really impressed with Sunsoft's attention to detail for this game. The animation of the tank is beautifully done 8-bit animation and the pilot has a very nice range of animations as well.

You can shoot:

pew pew pew

 You can crawl around:

I guess to look for your frog? I don't even know.

 You can swim:

Okay it's the same sprite as the crawling animation,
but still pretty great for 1988.

You can even die!

How did those japanese engineers do it?!

Also there is a cool explosion when your tank blows up:

I left my ipod in there.

 IV. GAMEPLAY (Part Deux)

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As it stands, the game is already a great 1980's console gaming experience.

But here's the cherry on top... I don't like cherry so here's the nutella on top.

Anywhere that you find one of these doors:

You can enter by pressing down on the crosspad, and at the same time you do that your 1988 kid brain implodes.

I have exited the matrix.

In those doors your play segments with a top-down view, where you walk around maze-like areas shooting bad guys with your gun (pew pew pew).

The enemies in these areas are as varied as the platforming segments; meaning they're a nice mix of robots and weird alien creatures.

And frankenberry's head?
Wat happened to your head bro?

Through these areas you get power-ups to make your tank better, and you fight the game bosses:

I recognize frankenberry cereal anywhere,
The pieces are all falling into place.

Anyway I give this game a solid 10 for its time, and I recommend you all give it a go.

You can play it here: Virtual NES

I don't have a Nintendo like back in the day, so thanks to them folks at VNES where i also got all these screenshots from. Check them out.

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Welcome to the Internet.

In the year of our lord 2011, there are hundreds of thousands of blogs. What you are looking at right now; what you are reading and EXPERIENCING is... yet another one of them.

But, if you read it we will think you're cool and we will tell everyone that you're a winner.

INTRODUCTIONS:

This is a blog to chronicle the adventures and interests of Team Renegade, a squad of 3 artists/storytellers/scoundrels living in Miami. Thank you for coming along on the ride.

There is I (Chaplow), William "The FuShark" and Master JW "Sweez".
For more head over to our website Team Renegade HQ.

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Love, Peace and Humptyness forever.